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<a href="/holidays/JewishNewYear/template_cdo/aid/36130/jewish/High-Holidays-2026.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="36130"><span>High Holidays 2026</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/984606/jewish/Sukkot-Simchat-Torah-2026.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="984606"><span>Sukkot & Simchat Torah 2026</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/111377/jewish/Shavuot-2026.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="111377"><span>Shavuot 2026</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/53680/jewish/15th-of-Av-Tu-BAv-2026.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="53680"><span>15th of Av - Tu B’Av 2026</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/820865/jewish/Special-Years.htm" class="child_item header" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="820865"><span>Special Years</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/708547/jewish/Eruv-Tavshilin.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="708547"><span>Eruv Tavshilin</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/7779/jewish/Parenting.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="7779"><span>Parenting</span></a>
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<a href="/theJewishWoman/default_cdo/jewish/The-Jewish-Woman.htm" class="child_item header" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1680925"><span>The Jewish Woman</span></a>
<a href="/kids/default_cdo/jewish/JewishKidsorg.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1798091"><span>JewishKids.org</span></a>
<a href="/news/default_cdo/jewish/Jewish-News.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1798092"><span>Jewish News</span></a>
<a href="/recipes/default_cdo/jewish/Kosher-Cooking.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="6253772"><span>Kosher Cooking</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/113424/jewish/Kosher.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="113424"><span>Kosher</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/253215/jewish/Shabbat.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="253215"><span>Shabbat</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/102436/jewish/Tefillin.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="102436"><span>Tefillin</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/862308/jewish/Prayer-in-Judaism.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="862308"><span>Prayer in Judaism</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/90257/jewish/Brachot-Blessings-for-Food-Other-Occasions.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="90257"><span>Brachot: Blessings for Food & Other Occasions</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/814118/jewish/Tzedakah-Charity.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="814118"><span>Tzedakah: Charity</span></a>
<a href="/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/323424/jewish/Mikvah.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="410324"><span>Mikvah</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/110306/jewish/Tallit-and-Tzitzit.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="110306"><span>Tallit and Tzitzit</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/365929/jewish/The-Synagogue.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="365929"><span>The Synagogue</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/6208836/jewish/Honoring-Parents.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="6208836"><span>Honoring Parents</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/1904288/jewish/Kiddush-Levana-Sanctification-of-the-Moon.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1904288"><span>Kiddush Levana: Sanctification of the Moon</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/262763/jewish/More-Mitzvahs-Traditions.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="262763"><span>More Mitzvahs & Traditions</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/2994211/jewish/What-to-Expect-at.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="2994211"><span>What to Expect at . . .</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/756399/jewish/The-613-Commandments-Mitzvot.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="756399"><span>The 613 Commandments (Mitzvot)</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/142433/jewish/Ten-Mitzvahs.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="142433"><span>Ten Mitzvahs</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/604381/jewish/Mitzvah-Minutes.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="604381"><span>Mitzvah Minutes</span></a>
<a href="/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/323414/jewish/Acts-of-Transformation.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1757110"><span>JewishWoman.org: Acts of Transformation</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/6016915/jewish/Halachah-for-Life.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="6016915"><span>Halachah for Life</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/6737274/jewish/The-Rebbes-Call-to-Build-Holy-Home-Libraries.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="6737274"><span>The Rebbe’s Call to Build Holy Home Libraries</span></a>
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<a href="/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/323393/jewish/Birth-Parenting.htm" class="child_item link" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="458437"><span>Birth & Parenting</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/1842595/jewish/The-Hebrew-Name.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1842595"><span>The Hebrew Name</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/144122/jewish/Bris-Circumcision.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="144122"><span>Bris: Circumcision</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/652310/jewish/Pidyon-Haben.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="652310"><span>Pidyon Haben</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/458473/jewish/Birthday.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="458473"><span>Birthday</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/1046921/jewish/The-Upsherin.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1046921"><span>The Upsherin</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/4052274/jewish/Jewish-Education-Chinuch.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="4052274"><span>Jewish Education: Chinuch</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/144321/jewish/Bar-Mitzvah.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="144321"><span>Bar Mitzvah</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/1912582/jewish/Bat-Mitzvah.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1912582"><span>Bat Mitzvah</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/448424/jewish/The-Jewish-Wedding-and-Marriage.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="448424"><span>The Jewish Wedding and Marriage</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/557897/jewish/Jewish-Divorce-Get.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="557897"><span>Jewish Divorce: Get</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/1718572/jewish/Aging-Retirement.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="1718572"><span>Aging & Retirement</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/266275/jewish/Death-Mourning.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="266275"><span>Death & Mourning</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/514160/jewish/Mourners-Kaddish.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="514160"><span>Mourner's Kaddish</span></a>
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<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/3852084/jewish/An-Introduction-to-Jews-and-Judaism.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="3852084"><span>An Introduction to Jews and Judaism</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/332562/jewish/Moshiach-101.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="332562"><span>Moshiach 101</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/588018/jewish/Israel.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="588018"><span>Israel</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/4084556/jewish/Hebrew.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="4084556"><span>Hebrew</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/144586/jewish/The-Holy-Temple.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="144586"><span>The Holy Temple</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/519246/jewish/The-Ten-Commandments.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="519246"><span>The Ten Commandments</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/409337/jewish/Jewish-Identity.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="409337"><span>Jewish Identity</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/332555/jewish/Maimonides-13-Principles-of-Faith.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="332555"><span>Maimonides' 13 Principles of Faith</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/900047/jewish/Rambam-Daily-Study-Program.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="900047"><span>Rambam Daily Study Program</span></a>
<a href="/library/article_cdo/aid/163166/jewish/Issues.htm" class="child_item default" data-menu-level="3" data-aid="163166"><span>Issues</span></a>
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<h1 class="article-header__title js-article-title js-page-title">I Am Not Attracted to My Date</h1>
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<span class="article-header__byline" data-kid="17060" data-author-bio="Feldman, Elka">Answered by Elka Feldman</span>
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<P><B>Dear Rachel,</B></P>
<P><B>I was just set up on a date with a wonderful young woman. I enjoyed her company and spending time together. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t attracted to her. I don’t think it makes sense for us to go out again if I already know there is no future. I certainly don’t want to lead her on, but I have absolutely no reason to stop seeing her other than the lack of attraction. What should I do?</B></P>
<P><B>Unattracted</B></P>
<P>Dear Unattracted,</P>
<P>I agree 100% that it is important to be attracted to one’s partner. But there are some truths I have learnt through my involvement with matchmaking.</P>
<P>The attitude of <A href="/">Judaism</A>, contrary to pop culture, is that most attraction comes from knowing a person and appreciating his or her inner beauty. As the verse in Psalms (45:14) reads,<I> Kol kevudah bat melech pnimah</I>, “The beauty of a princess lies within her.”</P>
<P>
<span><sl-divider size="large"></sl-divider><span class="pullquote">The attitude of Judaism, contrary to pop culture, is that most attraction comes from knowing a person and appreciating his or her inner beauty.</span><sl-divider size="large"></sl-divider></span>
It is important to get to know someone, and without making quick a judgments based on images or expectations one may have in one’s mind.</P>
<P>Unfortunately we live in an “airbrushed” society, where secular attitudes towards beauty are ingrained in us through advertising, movies and music. These images are often not realistic, and they certainly do no service to the person seeking a life partner.</P>
<P>As two people get to know each other, and if they get along, they come to value the wonderful qualities in the other that complement their own. How they look is beautiful because of who they are. When a person thinks of their partner, the beautiful image that comes up is a reminder of all they are attracted to in that person.</P>
<P>On the other hand, a person who appears to be extremely good-looking can turn ugly very quickly if they open their mouth and speak in an unkind or vulgar manner.</P>
<P>When a person is busy with a full and productive life, they learn to value being understood, respected and cared for, and that becomes the greatest attraction.</P>
<P>I unfortunately know many young men and women who spend years dating, unable to get past this idea. I also know young men and women who have slowly learnt this truth and have found beautiful partners by looking within.</P>
<P>One handsome young man I know struggled with this issue, dating many women over many years. He eventually met a woman who was a wonderful, sensitive and caring individual. She did not match up to the images he had in his mind. Nevertheless, he realized that she was the person he wanted as his wife and the mother of his children. Today they are very happy together! He feels blessed to have such a beautiful wife whom he loves dearly, and realizes how trapped and programmed he was by society’s preconceived notions of beauty.</P>
<P>I have also seen men who have met their picture-perfect woman and prioritized her physical attributes over other qualities. That is a personal choice one has to make. It sometimes takes years to fully appreciate this truth, and it has to be a reality for you.</P>
<P>Ultimately, it is up to the individual to soul-search and determine who they are truly seeking. The <A href="/theRebbe/default_cdo/jewish/The-Rebbe.htm">Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson</A>, of righteous memory, calls this <I>hamshachat halev</I>. It translates as “drawing of the heart.” A deep feeling, from within one person, of desire and appreciation for the other.</P>
<P>I am telling you this because I feel it is unfair to expect a man to seek a life partner without giving him a Jewish perspective on what he is seeking. In every other area of life, there is Jewish law; here too, there is a Jewish approach. There are many Jewish books on this subject, and I think it would be helpful to peruse some.</P>
<P>Just as it takes time to learn how to keep <A href="/generic_cdo/aid/253215/jewish/Shabbat.htm">Sabbath</A> and <A href="/generic_cdo/aid/113424/jewish/Kosher.htm">kosher dietary laws</A>, I appreciate that a person cannot change the way they think overnight. I just hope that with some of these ideas in mind, it will be easier for you to decide what you should do.</P>
<P>Rachel</P>
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Lisa </span>
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Not Attracted to Date
</span>
Attraction isn't everything. Did this woman have ANY qualities you wanted for a future wife and mother to your children?<br /><br />Wonderful women come in all kinds of packages
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Anonymous</span>
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<span class="comment-date" title="Thursday, May 17, 2012 9:51:00 AM">May 17, 2012</span>
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<span class="subject block">
package
</span>
like at the store, a fancy package, is selling something,you would not normally get..
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Devora Mathless</span>
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<span class="comment-date" title="Thursday, May 3, 2012 5:46:00 PM">May 3, 2012</span>
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Well done Elka.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Anonymous</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Setauket, NY</span>
<span class="reader-source small_right_padding">via chabadsb.com</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Thursday, July 28, 2011 1:58:00 PM">July 28, 2011</span>
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<span class="subject block">
physical beauty is only skin deep
</span>
The idea Rachel wrote about in this article, is one that I have always believed, albeit not from the &quot;Jewish&quot; perspective. I have met many women, who at first glance, do not live up to social standards of beauty. However, after meeting them, learning about them in depth, the &quot;attraction&quot; grew. True beauty is not skin deep. It goes all the way to the soul, and encompasses everything about the individual - kindness, intelligence, interests and, in my opinion, the capacity to enrich someone else's life. If asked my advice for &quot;Unattracted,&quot; I would tell him to continue to see this woman and see where it leads. He may find that love may not work, but he will have forged a strong friendship. Or he may find that as he learns about her, and she gets to know him, he will see her true and total beauty.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Jack</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Midland Park</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Monday, July 18, 2011 1:54:00 PM">July 18, 2011</span>
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<span class="subject block">
Physical appearance
</span>
The French have a saying:<br /> A good looking man has a two week advantage over a plain looking man.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Anonymous</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">San Francisco, CA</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Thursday, July 14, 2011 5:31:00 PM">July 14, 2011</span>
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Looks don't count ultimately
</span>
I have been happily married for 3 years, and insanely in love with my husband. In fact, I am crazier about him now then I was the day I got married to him. To be sure, he is attractive, but what sparks my passion for him is his incredible soul and character. I've never met anyone so loving, compassionate and with so much self-awareness. Even as the years pass, and he loses more hair and starts showing more wrinkles on his face, he will never stop taking my breath away. I love him so dearly! True beauty lies within.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">anon</span>
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<span class="comment-date" title="Sunday, July 10, 2011 7:57:00 AM">July 10, 2011</span>
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thanks 
</span>
women and men may not realize what a man has to deal with here: when he signs that ketuba...he's promising to take care of, provide for,etc, this woman for the rest of his life.<br /> this is very serious, especially if finances are a concern.<br /> your article is very helpful, thank you for posting it. and the comments are helpful too.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Dina</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Jerusalem, Israel</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Thursday, July 7, 2011 11:34:00 PM">July 7, 2011</span>
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re:
</span>
If you treat each other with respect and look past your respective egos, you will both become more physically attractive to each other and to everyone else around you. Knowledge from experience. 
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Jack</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Midland Park</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Tuesday, July 5, 2011 2:01:00 PM">July 5, 2011</span>
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"Not what I'm looking for" article
</span>
Between college and marriage, I dated over 80 women. Many of them had wonderful qualities. However, when I met my future wife on a blind date, I found that she had many qualities. When we had dates, we spent many hours together learning about each other.. Over a year after our first meeting, we became married. We have been married for several decades. It is hard to believe we have been togther for so many years.<br /> My suggestion to those who are looking for someone special, be patient and do not expect perfection.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Sheri Modell</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Somerset, NJ</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Friday, July 1, 2011 8:30:00 AM">July 1, 2011</span>
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<span class="subject block">
Meeting one's bashert
</span>
I met my husband on a blind date. On first glance I thought &quot;Never, he looks like a bear.&quot; We spent an afternoon together and quickly realized we were meant for each other.<br />Physical attraction is key but it can be ephemeral. If she is an absolute turnoff, don't see her again. If not, maybe it's worth a second look.
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<span class="reader-name small_right_padding">Anonymous</span>
<span class="reader-location small_right_padding">Brooklyn, NY</span>
<span class="comment-date" title="Tuesday, June 28, 2011 9:42:00 AM">June 28, 2011</span>
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you may be surprised
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My fiance and I met in a class. We both disliked each other in the beginning. We did not know anything about each other but the way he looked was &quot;not my type&quot; - in fact was quite the oppsosite, the type I did not like. He did not like the way I looked either. We both laugh today at how I thought he was a homeless musician, who did not eat for days and I was a stuck up snob in his eyes. But during the class we got to know each other and found a lot in common: goals, alues, interests. I also have learned that he had a kind heart and gentle soul. The miracle has happened to me and now when I look in his eyes, when I see his face, I cannot imagine a more handsome man. He also showers me with compliments, which make me feel like a queen and I see real attraction between us, the classic Hollywood &quot;spark&quot;, which others also notice. But it is not superficial in our case. I think that our minds started looking for attraction to justfy our hearts' choices. Mind is flexible, it will adjust.
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